


sanji gets probably the worst devil fruit power

by MalkyTop



Series: he is beauty he is grace that's a lie please save this man from himself [5]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Genie!Sanji, accidentally on purpose - Freeform, sanji accidentally eats a devil fruit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-10-30 20:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10884558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalkyTop/pseuds/MalkyTop
Summary: Written for the #32daysofsanji prompt: Mythology/Secrets





	1. Chapter 1

If anybody asked him, Sanji would insist that he had never felt tired because of his sleeping schedule. Five hours? Pssshh, he's had worse. And since he's kept to those five hours for probably a decade by now, his body was inured to it. And besides, he was an experienced cook, he could do loads of this shit in his sleep. Not that he was sleepy at all, nope.

The fact that he had learned how to do some of the more basic preparation shit in the kitchen without having to look meant absolutely nothing. His ability to cut fruits for a salad while in a complete daze was absolutely not out of necessity because of his poor sleeping habits which weren't poor at all. And of course he  _was_  paying attention to his ingredients because he was a profe –

Hang on. What the shit is this.

Sanji blinked at the watermelon that he had just cut in half and saw whirls upon whirls of swirls that he was sure shouldn't have been there. Looking at the...the, what's it called again? Not shell...crust? The...crust of the watermelon? There were swirls on there too. And he knew for  _sure_  those weren't there when he bought it.

A devil fruit, his brain started to realize. This was a devil fruit. The watermelon turned into a devil fruit.

This was going to  _ruin_  the fruit salad.

Sanji glared down at the very inconsiderate watermelon as best as he could. Now what? What was he going to do with this  _whole watermelon_  that he had just cut? Like...it was a devil fruit...so maybe he could...sell it...? Everybody knew these things went for a lot of money. Except that he had just sliced it in half.

Do devil fruits rot? They're fruits, after all. Which meant that he had to do  _something_  with this watermelon before that happened because like  _hell_  he was wasting anything.

Sanji stared into the swirls. The swirls stared back.

* * *

“Sanji-kun...are you okay?”

“Ohhh Nami-san~ as always, your concern is ever so sweet. What makes you say that?”

“Well, it's breakfast, you didn't set a plate for yourself, and you're face-down on the table.”

As always, Nami was the most wonderfully perceptive person in the world. He could never hide anything from her. Heaving a long and low sigh, Sanji turned his head and aimed baleful eyes towards everybody he could see.

“I've made. A terrible mistake.”

“Nah, food'sh gud,” said Luffy, who hadn't stopped stuffing his face the whole time. His loud munching had long been a constant on the ship, and so was easy for everybody to ignore. All eyes never left Sanji.

“I...ate a whole watermelon.”

Everybody reacted in the exact way that someone would react to a declaration of that magnitude. Usopp hesitantly laid a hand on Sanji's shoulder.

“...That's...well...”

“Also it was a devil fruit.”

“ _Say that part first!_ ”

“I can't believe you...actually, wait, I can. You've always been a stupid Love Cook.”

“Wait! Before that, you ate a  _watermelon's worth_  of devil fruit?! Sanji, sit up! How's your stomach feeling?! Bloated?! Tell me what's wrong!”

“...Mostly, it tasted really bad.”

“Yeah, it does, doesn't it?  _Why did you eat all of it._ ”

“I think the better question is,” said Robin, discreetly tapping Luffy on the shoulder in an attempt to get him to pay one iota of attention, “why did you even decide to eat a devil fruit in the first place?”

“Woah! Sanji got a devil fruit? Awesome! What is it?”

“I don't knoooooowww,” Sanji moaned, burying his face in his arms. “I don't know. Why me.”

“That's a really good question,” Nami muttered, setting her chin in her hand. “Why  _you?_  I should've seen it first...could've gotten  _millions..._ ”

“Sanji,” Luffy said, his voice uncharacteristically low. He was accompanied by the clattering of plates and several annoyed protests. When Sanji looked up, he saw Luffy sitting in front of him. Directly in front of him. As in, his captain was crouched on the table with his foot in a stack of pancakes.

Before Sanji could join in the general protests, Luffy grabbed the sides his head and pulled their foreheads together until they were practically nose-to-nose. All protests thudded uselessly in Sanji's chest. Though he could see nothing but his captain's eyes, intensely focused on his own, he could feel his breath press against his lips.

“ _You have to tell me what your new power is._ ”

Completely blindsided, Sanji smiled out of pure confusion. “Eh?”

“It's either gonna be really awesome or  _really funny_  and either way it's gonna be great and  _I really wanna know._ ”

Briefly, Sanji's smile grew wider. “Hey, Luffy,” he said, saccharine sweet as he grabbed his captain's head. Luffy had time to blink once before Sanji leaned back in his chair and suplexed the hell out of him. As Luffy lay stunned on the floor, Sanji got up, pushed his chair neatly back under the table, and then started kicking him. Because he was a gentleman.

“It seems that there are devils even among devil fruits,” said Robin, tapping a page of a book with a faint smile and when had she gotten that? Everybody crowded around her seat for a look, unnecessary, as she explained: “The Demon Demon Fruit. Model: Djinni.”

Sure enough, in the book, there was a picture of the swirly watermelon and a few paragraphs of text.

“Haaaah? What's a 'johnny?'”

“I suppose they are commonly known as 'genies' – “

“ _I wish_ _I was rich._ ”

“Your wish is my command~!”

“ – which are demons who are known to have the power to grant any wish.”

As one, the rest of the crew turned towards Nami, who was currently examining her body and her pockets as though expecting them to be lined with gold. “Nothing happened,” she complained, glaring back at Sanji, who seemed to just be happy that she was looking at him.

“But my dear, you are absolutely wealthy...with the love of the people around you! Especially me~”

As Nami slugged Sanji a good one, Robin continued, “Quite a few genies are known to exploit the wordings of wishes, much to the wisher's dismay. Though considering who the genie is...he does not seem to have the power to grant wealth. Perhaps the fruit was fake.”

“What, so he just  _gives_  you stuff? That's  _boring,_ ” Luffy said, slumping onto the table and grabbing some of the pancakes with his teeth.

“Luffy, lemme explain this in terms  _you_  understand...if Sanji was a genie, then you could ask for meat and he'd just poof it into existence any time you want.”

“ _WHAT._ SANJI I WANT MEAT.”

Luffy got an axe kick face first into the table. When his head bounced back up, he aimed betrayed eyes back towards Usopp, who immediately looked away. “I, I said  _if,_  he couldn't even get Nami money so he's clearly  _not_  a genie. Luffy please don't look at me like that I wasn't the one who kicked you.”

Sanji scoffed out a plume of smoke. “As if I'd do whatever you shitheads asked even if I  _were_  a genie.”

“Nah, Luffy did it wrong. You do it like this.” Zoro lazily raised a hand and gestured a rude 'gimme' with his fingers. “Hey. I wish for booze.”

_Thunk_. “Your wish is my command.”

Everybody froze, Sanji with his hand still on the neck of the bottle he had just set in front of Zoro, who currently looked like he had forgotten what alcohol even looked like. The air chilled with the absolute  _wrongness_  of what just happened. It felt like the balance of the universe had shifted considerably towards its inevitable demise. Sanji had not let go of the bottle. In fact, his knuckles were white with how much he wasn't letting go. Zoro cleared his throat, pointed limply at his (his??) drink, and said:

“So does that mean you can live in there?”

Sanji slammed the bottle into the side of Zoro's head before collapsing onto the ground and grinding his own head into the floor with a cry bitter as black coffee. Zoro, also on the floor and bleeding out the temple, managed to get the cork out of the miraculously intact bottle and started to suck it down. As Luffy laughed and choked on his pancakes, as Chopper screamed and scrabbled for bandages, as Usopp and Nami tried to stop Sanji from grinding the skin off of his forehead, Robin said, “...We need to test out the limits of these new powers.

“Cook-san, listen carefully.” Sanji didn't move from his spot, but he did stop crying. “I wish for you to procure a certain book, known as 'The Significance of Equines in Medieval Lore.' But the copy you produce must not be one existing currently, not from any collection or library. Thus, you must fulfill this wish using your own power, whatever it may be.”

Sanji took in a stiff breath and felt himself slide back to his feet. He was somewhat aware of saying the words, “Your wish is my command,” before marching out the door and disappearing around the corner.

A minute later, he marched back in, toting a book, several sheaves of paper, an ink well and a quill.

“Hey, isn't that my – “

“Sorry, Nami-san, I had to borrow these,” Sanji mumbled, parking himself at the table, flipping open the book, and starting to write. He estimated about four hundred pages in the book. Certainly didn't have enough paper, but if he wrote small enough he could probably manage to fit everything. If all else failed, he could resort to crosshatch.

“...I see. Cook-san, can you hear me?”

“Mmph,” he replied.  _The classical depiction of a 'knight' requires a 'horse' and so without a horse the knight is a poor one indeed, potentially even immoral, depraved..._

“I assume this is proof that you cannot simply materialize items upon command. Can you stop?”

Why would he? What else was there to do? There was nothing more important than this at the moment. Sanji shook his head.

“What about a break? You are bound to tire out your hand.”

Sanji shook his head harder.

“He's...seriously not gonna just write non-stop...is he? I mean, he's gotta eat and sleep...”

“I think that if we placed food in front of him, he might eat. But I doubt he will stop until he finishes what I asked.”  _The fantastical tale of one known as Owaine, on the surface, could be read as a young man's devotion to the code of conduct known as 'chivalry' and how this virtue eventually leads him to valor; however, considering the mortality of his steeds and how they coincide with some of his more questionable decisions, the story of Owaine could potentially be read as a critique on knightly culture..._

“Geez...what a useless genie...”

Sanji's leg lashed out towards the voice and he allowed himself a twitch of a smile at the resulting pained grunt.

“Well, that's refreshingly Sanji, at least. But this is...kinda creeping me out...”

“I dunno, doing whatever Robin asks is a pretty Sanji thing to do – OW.”

“In any case, finding out whether one can cancel a wish or not was going to be the next part of the test. Although I do agree, the implications so far are rather unnerving.”

_The appearance of the lion eventually replaces the horse as Owaine's steed in his lowest hour and from then on, the story turns into one of redemption for the knight's previous conduct. The conduct, of course, was in line with the idea of chivalry, but such ideas resulted in needless death and a frivolous, careless lifestyle. Only by gaining mindfulness in the midst of his grief does Owaine..._

“We have to cancel it with another wish, right? Like 'I wish for you to forget about the last wish' or something.”

“Forget about what?”

Sanji blinked up at Nami. As he took in her expression, he dropped his smile and glanced around the table. At some point, Zoro and Usopp had walked to the far wall, both rubbing their shins. Chopper was staring up at him with those wide, bright eyes that had the tendency to pierce through his heart and Robin had her lips pressed thin. Luffy, despite there being no more food, was somehow sticking around.

“Shit, my hand's all cramped...what'm I...?” When his eyes fell upon the items arranged in front of him, Sanji's first reaction was to drop the quill in his hand and jump to his feet. He was successful with the former, but not so much with the latter: instead of standing up, he bumped his knees into the table and ended up leaning on his legs and settling back in the chair again with a hiss. “That wasn't – where did – who – shit, it was  _me,_  I, I'm sorry, Nami-san, I used – “

At the sound of her name, Nami seemed to jump in her skin. “No, forge- ...I mean, it's fine.” She withdrew towards a corner before Sanji could say anything more. And the tilt of her down-turned head, the shimmer of her eyes, the way her arms wrapped around herself, made anything he could say catch in his throat. And then Chopper hopped onto the table and shined a light in his eye.

“Do you have a headache? Dizziness? Can you tell me what day it is today? How many fingers?”

Sanji squinted and tried to push Chopper's hoof away. “What's with you ill-mannered idiots and standing on tables all of a sudden?”

“So you remember that?” Usopp piped up besides Zoro, looking like he was trying to hide his shins behind each other.

“Really hard to forget someone stepping in the goddamn  _pancakes_  you made.”

“Well, I ate all of 'em so it's fine!”

“ _I made them for everybody._ ”

Chopper moved to brush aside Sanji's hair to check his other eye, but found his patient ducking his head out of the way. “What's the last thing you remember?”

Sanji smirked. “Beaning that marimo in the face with his damn beer.”

From a particularly mossy corner came a quiet, “Asshole.”

“Excuse me, Cook-san, I have to apologize for this...but I need to test something to confirm my hypothesis.”

Sanji pushed Chopper's struggling body down to the floor, confiscated his little flashlight, and beamed towards Robin. “No need to apologize, love~!”

“Wait, hold on, Robin, maybe we shouldn't – I mean, this doesn't feel...”

Nami quieted down as soon as Robin's sharp gaze fell on her. She couldn't even hold her head up for a second before fidgeting and looking back at the floor. Robin continued her stare for a little while before moving to address everybody. “Circumstances may have created a huge weakness in this crew, as much as the party involved does not intend to do so. If we want to be able to negate it, we will need to understand it fully. Otherwise, one or more of us could die. So, Cook-san...”

Even before Robin focused back on him again, Sanji could feel his body tense. He almost felt like he was standing in the chill of a meat locker, hoping that the door wouldn't lock him in.

“I wish for you to reverse your personal gravity for one minute.”

“Uh, Robin...not to offend you or anything, but, one, that's a  _really weird wish_  and two, he can't even make  _money_  so what's this supposed to – “

“Your wish is my command,” Sanji intoned and he hopped up, flipped over in the air, and landed his feet lightly on the ceiling.

It took a few seconds for the last few seconds to catch up with everybody. Even Sanji had to stop and mull it over, looking down at the floor and looking up at his feet a few times before finally releasing a curt scream and falling over. Falling up. Falling?

The sound of Sanji thudding up (down?) on the ceiling snapped some of the more excitable members of the crew into their own individual freak-outs. Nami slammed herself back into the wall and still looked like she was trying to go further, her eyes wide and her mouth making a few inarticulate sounds. Usopp yelped, “SANJI'S FALLING INTO THE SKY” before fainting. Chopper was stuck between desperately asking Sanji if he felt blood rushing to his head and looking like he was fainting himself. Luffy said, “SANJI, HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!” before jumping back on the table with a huge smile and a cup of someone's tea. “Hey, hey, try drinking this!”

“What the hell are you saying?!  _Get off the damn table!_ ” Sanji stretched his leg down (up?) and managed to whack Luffy on the side of his head. The sight of Luffy looking like he was falling up was enough to set him off again and he knelt up to take a seat. “Holy shit holy shit holy  _shit._ ”

“The devil fruit our cook ate may not have given him the ability to materialize desired objects, but it  _did_  seem to give him  _some_  supernatural abilities. If we were to ask him, perhaps, to change forms or to exhibit some sort of power, then he may very well be able to do that. At the very least, he is mentally  _compelled_ to do that. Though I cannot say for sure whether he would be able to perform such acts without a command. Do you all understand the danger of this?”

“What the hell, what the  _hell,_ ” Sanji shouted from the ceiling. “I gotta do what any shithead bastard  _tells_  me to do?! What kind of useless shit is  _this?!_  You gotta be kidding me!”

“And that is exactly the problem,” Robin continued, her calm stature somehow managing to anchor everybody down into silence. “You don't seem to be able to pick and choose what wish to grant. If anybody outside this ship were to find this out, they could use you against us. You can be, in essence, hypnotized to do anything against your will.”

Sanji sucked in a breath, a million hypotheticals already running through his mind. And then he fell back to the floor headfirst.

* * *

As much as he wanted to spend the next few days pacing his kitchen, screaming into a pot until he felt better, Sanji still had a job on the ship. Cooking was a full-time job, and so was taking care of the ship since Grand Line storms could just pop up any time. So he figured that he had no time to curl up in a corner and rock himself for hours on end and simply pushed the whole devil fruit thing to the side. Thus, he couldn't say that he ever thought of the matter ever since that day.

Thus, the first time Luffy fell off the boat, his first instinct was to jump after the idiot.

A few feet from the water, Sanji suddenly recalled that  _he freaking ate a devil fruit too_  and turned his faultless dive into a flailing mess as he tried to somehow crawl back up the air and back on board the ship. Which...actually seemed to be working out, as he was somehow not falling. Sanji glanced down, saw that his legs weren't exactly legs, and that's all he got to see because his head caught Chopper on his way down (“I'll save you, Luffy!!”) and both of them plummeted underwater.

“I'm a Zoan type,” he said as soon as he was fished out. The feeling of paralysis as he sank into the depths of the ocean was as terrible as he thought it would be, but he was currently focused on a potential positive.

“What's that?” Usopp grunted out, wringing his shirt while Robin helped with getting the other two hammers to spit out the water they had swallowed.

“I've got that shitty wish thing going on, but I'm like Chopper – that means I have transformations too, doesn't it?”

“The djinn are known to be beings of smokeless fire,” Robin commented from her deck chair. “I can't say that I know what that looks like, but I imagine that you could gain that appearance as well.”

Sanji shoved at Chopper with his foot. “Hey! Reindeer, how do you do that transforming thing? Wake up!”

“...How heartless can you  _get..._ ”

“Ugh whatever,” Sanji said, hopping to his feet and starting to pace. “Other people had to figure it out on their own, so can I.”

His suit was completely soaked through and his shoes squelched with every step. But, for once, that wasn't important. A being of smokeless fire, huh? And a demon to boot. He had absolutely no idea what that would look like, but it felt like he should, at least if he wanted to change forms in the first place. Though he couldn't figure that out just by  _thinking_  really hard, could he? Still, whatever a djinni looked like, there was one inside of him. All he had to do was coax it out...

An image coalesced in his mind and Sanji opened his eyes. There was no more squelching and he couldn't say that he felt particularly wet anymore. Looking down, he saw a familiar sight: his body tapering into smoke, something like a mermaid's tail except less tangible and without the fins. There was a less familiar weight on his head and when he felt above his ears, he found curled, ridged horns growing there. With a grin growing on his face, Sanji whispered, “I knew it,” before whooping and flipping once in the air with all the ease of swimming. “Now  _this_  I can work with!”

“Uh, Sanji, if you're not moving with the ship then – “

The cabin wall of the Merry suddenly crashed into the side of Sanji's head and he toppled over onto the deck once again.

“ – that,” Usopp finished.

“Well, whatever!” Sanji shouted back, bouncing back up and making sure to keep up with the ship this time. “Getting to fly isn't bad at all, and maybe I can figure out how to do other stuff! Hey, Usopp, whaddya think?” he added, lying down horizontally on nothing.

Usopp's eyes trailed up and down Sanji's body. “I think you need legs to kick.”

Sanji whipped his ethereal tail at Usopp's face with a scowl, causing the sniper to flinch backwards with a shriek. “Bastard, at least look a  _little_  happy for me.”

“I can't help it,” Usopp coughed out, trying to force any bit of Sanji smoke out of his lungs. “You really shouldn't...I mean, what  _I_  think is you shouldn't...well, that is...I'm just worried that if someone looks at you and figures out that you're a... _you know..._ then they could...” Usopp bobbed his head forward and grimaced cautiously, as though that alone encapsulated everything bad that could happen.

Sanji opened his mouth but didn't really have an answer for that. Luckily for him, Chopper chose this moment to regain consciousness and sit up, whereupon he took one look at Sanji, screamed, “ _Oh no, Sanji's a ghost!_ ” and fainted again.

Robin chuckled from her seat. “It seems at first glance, people would think our cook is a dead man rather than a demon.”

“Maybe,” Usopp muttered, patting Chopper on his cheek in an attempt to wake him up again. “But it still feels  _really_  risky.”

“So, what, you're saying that I just have to do  _nothing_  with this whole damn devil fruit thing? That I just go ahead with nothing to show for it except the complete inability to swim and the compulsion to do whatever someone wishes for me to do?” His hair started to flutter in the air like flames and he briefly wondered if it actually was. It made sense, though it was probably over-the-top – he was frustrated, not fuming  _mad_  or anything. “The  _least_  I want is some sort of benefit here. I mean, I didn't want this to happen in the first place, but it did, so now I just have to make the best of it! I can't just pretend like, I dunno, I'm still normal when I used to be able to  _swim_  and now the number of people on this ship that the ocean  _doesn't_  hate is in the minority. So  _maybe_  you could stand to show a little  _support._ ”

Usopp mumbled out a “Sorry,” but the way he looked down at Chopper instead of looking up at him made Sanji set his jaw harder. But he said nothing more as Luffy chose this time to sit up and shout, “I'M HUNGRY!” loud enough to wake Chopper up again, who also immediately shot up and knocked his antler straight into Usopp's nose.

Sanji sighed a plume of smoke up into the air. “Well, I guess it's snack time already. Lucky for you shitheads I'm still in a good mood, so any requests?”

“ _That's_  a good mood?” Usopp muttered, still clutching his nose in pain.

“MEAT.”

“I said  _snack,_  not  _dinner._ ”

“MEEEEEAT.”

“...I'll put you down for ham sandwiches. What about the rest of you?”

Robin lowered her book for a few seconds. “If you don't mind, I quite enjoyed the drink you made yesterday.”

“Alright! Usopp, Chopper, your turn,” he said, hovering closer to the floor and landing on his feet.

“Um.” Usopp sniffed and wiped at his nose with his arm. “I dunno. You can do...I mean, I'm fine with whatever.”

“I want – “ Chopper started before muffling his own mouth and looking down in shame. “...I'm fine with whatever.” Sanji's cigarette rolled between his teeth as he stared down at the two abstainers.

“I WANT MEEEEEAT”

“ _Shut up I heard you the first time._ ” Spinning towards the galley, Sanji called up towards the balcony like some sort of thuggish Romeo. “Oh Nami-saaaan~! I don't mean to bother you, but it's time for me to make snaaacks~! I will make anything for you, if you only desire it~!”

The first person to answer him was, unfortunately, not Nami, but the resident marimo drying by the mast. He snuffled, yawned like waking up was a chore, and grumbled, “D'ya have to be so loud  _all_  the time?”

Since Nami was currently coming out of her room with a new outfit and a towel wrapped around her hair, Sanji elected against politely letting Zoro know that he had slept through an entire argument just a few seconds before via foot to the face. Instead, he waved enthusiastically in case Nami didn't see him (somehow) and blurted out something stupid like how divine she looked with damp hair.

“Snacks? Um...well, Sanji-kun, whatever you make is fine.”

“You are too kind~! But~! There really isn't anything you want in par~ti~cu~lar~?”

“Well, y'know.” Nami laughed, a sound that was always melodious, though Sanji could detect a hint of a minor key somewhere in there. “I'm not gonna tell the chef what to cook, right?”

“Although I'm sure you know this already, that  _is_  the entire point of restaurants, my sweet tangerine tart~” Sanji laughed back, if only to keep up a certain atmosphere that was long gone.

Nami continued the laugh, turning it into a rather odd contest. “But this isn't a restaurant, after all, and I thought that you like experimenting, right?”

“Ah, it is so kind of you to think of me, o pumpkin pot de crème, but I absolutely insist on hearing your heart's desire!” At this point, with all the laughing the two of them were doing at each other, Sanji was unable to continue his customary trill. Actually, he could probably use a drink. He continued laughing. “Perhaps you are worried about being selfish? But there is no need, and besides, that side of you is a side that I love!”

“Ugh,” Zoro said from the other side of the mast. At some point, he had moved, though he had been wrong if he thought the thick wood would somehow dampen all the sound. “ _Shut up_! Geez, I wish you'd stop it with that love crap already!”

For a moment, Sanji's heart stopped. Only for a moment. In his mind's eye, he could see his brain taking parts of himself and compartmentalizing them, tossing certain things out. No more flirting, no more declarations of love, no more special treatment. That special feeling that came with making someone smile, gone. The same went for the excitement of making new recipes, of combining ingredients in a way that he was  _sure_  someone would love. And on and on, until it felt like the only thing left filling him up was an all-pervasive guilt that asked him questions ten years old already; why, why, why are you still alive? Why do you cause so much trouble? Why can't you be better than what you are?

“Sanji-kun, I wish for you to be your normal self!”

The breath that Sanji took in made him stumble and he leaned on the galley door for support. He barely noticed Nami jump over the railing and march right over to Zoro, who had been stuck by the mast, halfway to his feet, for the past minute. As Nami approached, Zoro seemed to shake out of his stupor and, sounding the most flustered he had ever been, said, “I, I didn't mean,”

Nami started stamping on Zoro, shrieking, “Apologize! Apologize  _right now!_ ” And he did, half-mumbling it out only because he was also trying to fend off Nami's heels with his arm.

“Sanji.”

He looked up at the sound of his captain's voice, as did everybody else before they directed their attention back to him. He breathed. Smiled. “I'm alright.”

Their look of disbelief forced him to smile wider. “Seriously! It's fine, everything's fine! Not that I'd wanna go through  _that_  again, but...” Unable to think of what to say next, Sanji trailed off into another awkward laugh that traveled its lonely way into the sky. Zoro looked down.

“So. I'll just go ahead and start on snacks.”

It wasn't even a few seconds before the galley door opened and closed again. Sanji only turned his head enough to see who it was before turning his focus back on the food. “Here to steal something, captain?”

“Nah. Just gonna be here,” Luffy replied, plopping down into a chair, never letting his wide eyes leave Sanji's back.

Despite saying that, Luffy's hand still twitched towards anything that was left unattended for longer than a minute. Sanji kicked his head in quite a few times but never went so far as to kick him out.

* * *

Sanji glared at the barrel. The barrel did not yield. With a frustrated whine, he started counting the apples for the fifth time.

The number didn't change. Three apples were missing.

Which wouldn't be too concerning by itself, but it was the same the day before and the day before that. The number of apples had been steadily decreasing every day and he hadn't caught the perpetrator once. Which meant that he could rule out Luffy because the guy was anything but subtle and Sanji would probably gut himself if it turned out he was outsmarted by  _him._

The thing about thieves on a ship, though, is that they didn't really have anywhere to go. So the list of suspects was small. It's just that, honestly, he didn't want to think about some of the possibilities. And of all things, why  _apples?_  It wasn't like that was anybody's favorite or anything, they were  _apples,_  and at this point, slightly bruised ones to boot.

Sanji's midnight contemplations were interrupted by Zoro walking right into the galley. They stared at each other. Zoro moved to close the door again.

“ _Hold it!_ ” Sanji roared, leaping over and pulling Zoro in with all the power of a scorned cook. “What's wrong,  _apple thief?_  Lose your  _courage?!_ ”

Zoro, for his part, didn't go out without a struggle, though he was slightly distracted by Sanji prodding him with his horns. “I wasn't gonna do anything! Dammit, cook, let me –  _apples?!_ ”

The two paused in their fight, the first time one of those had ever come to a full stop. “What?”

“What?”

“I thought – you aren't why the apples are going missing?”

Zoro snorted. “I wouldn't sneak around for  _apples._ ”

“But you  _would_  sneak around for  _something.”_

The two of them stared at each other. Zoro turned around and made for the door again.

“ _Hold it,_ ” Sanji shouted again, slamming a foot against the door. Zoro tried very hard to not look at any part of Sanji. “Alright. Fess up. Swordsmen have their  _honor,_  don't they? Or should I guess for myself?”

Still not looking directly at him, Zoro mumbled, “Booze.”

“But there aren't any bottles missing.” He counted those at least ten times, knowing the nature of the thieves already on the boat.

“...I refilled the ones I drank.”

Sanji let this knowledge sink into his mind with all the horror it came with before launching himself back towards the kitchen, grabbing a random bottle and chugging it.

“You filled it with  _water._ Holy shit, how many did you drink?!”

“...I dunno,” Zoro said, sinking into a chair and holding his head now that he was found out. Sanji continued rummaging through the bottles and swigging mouthfuls down. “After a while, I kept accidentally stealing water instead.”

Sanji slammed the twentieth bottle down on the counter. “ _These are all water and you're an asshole._ ” Zoro could only shrug helplessly as Sanji marched back to the table and slammed his hands on top. “Why. Didn't you just  _ask._ ”

“As if you'd actually  _give_  it to me.”

“That's a shit excuse and  _you know it._  You might be an uncultured swine, but I can  _always_  find some sort of shit grog that  _somehow_  appeals to your taste. Instead, you just rummaged through my shit and drank whatever! Look at me!” When he slammed the table again, Zoro flinched, but answered the challenge regardless. “I'm not sure how much your goddamn  _tiny_  brain understands this, but there are  _different types of alcohol,_  and some of them are  _expensive as shit._ Those are the ones I never give you, because one, you wouldn't appreciate it, and two,  _you can't even tell the difference._ ”

“I think that's the same point,” Zoro muttered.

“ _You can't even tell the bottles apart, dumbass!_  If you just  _asked,_  I could have given you the usual shit you chug and my collection would be intact and we'd both be happy _._  So  _why didn't you ask?!_ ”

Zoro opened his mouth, but only made a strained sound. For once, Sanji decided to say nothing and wait.

“...I can't.”

“You mean you won't.”

Zoro grimaced, but there was a hint of a smirk. “I guess that's more accurate. Yeah. Sorry.”

Sanji waited a little longer, but there was nothing forthcoming. He sighed. “Alright idiot, get up. You're emptying all that water out. And if I catch you sneaking a drink, I'm gonna kick your ass.”

“Okay, okay,  _jeez,_ you don't have to pull my ear!”

The two switched positions, Zoro standing over the kitchen counter and Sanji relaxing with a smoke in the chair he recently occupied. The cook spun his cigarette around in his fingers, watching the smoke rather than supervising the damn alcoholic, and he thought about the days before, he thought about people coming into the kitchen to ask for food and the lack thereof, and he thought about what he was supposed to do now.

* * *

“Hey, Sanji-kun? It's getting pretty late. Are you almost done preparing breakfast?”

Sanji sat perched on the kitchen counter, surrounded by empty bottles that he didn't know what to do with anymore, and let out a stream of smoke. “Actually,” he said, staring lazily at Nami, “I haven't even started.”

There was a loud clattering, slapping sound and then Luffy appeared in the door, eventually followed by everybody else who couldn't help but follow their captain's rampage. “WHAT. SANJI WHY.”

He stayed silent until Luffy's heavy breathing calmed a little. And then, looking at the entire crew straight in the eye, he drolled, “Well, I can't say that anybody asked me to – “

“I'M ASKING. RIGHT NOW. I WANT MEAT.”

Luffy's request was repaid with a kick to the top of his head. “ _Dammit_  Luffy,  _sit down!_  I got something to say!” Although he pouted, Luffy sat on the floor with minimal fidgeting, leaving Sanji to look back at the others, his eyes lingering on each face for several uncomfortable seconds. Zoro. Chopper. Usopp. Nami. He pointed. “Robin-chan, you're off the hook too. Sit down.”

“Thank you,” she replied, taking a chair with a motion as smooth as her voice.

“So,” Sanji continued, “it has come to my attention that some members of this crew no longer enjoy my cooking.”

“What?! It's not me! Who is it?! I'll kick their ass!”

“Luffy, when I said 'sit down,' I meant sit _quietly.”_

“Um! Sanji, we all like your food, honest!” Chopper piped up, taking his chance to speak. “It's just, um, well...”

“The job of a cook,” a dramatic pause to drag in another breath of smoke, “is to fulfill the needs and wants of the customers. But lately, there's been a significant decrease in the number of requests to this kitchen. As much as I pride my culinary skills, I can't see this incident as anything else except evidence that my skills no longer appeal to you. In which case, I've failed as a cook. So I've decided to resign. I'll leave this ship at the next island.”

“What?! Wait, Sanji-kun! That's not – we...Luffy! Say something!”

For once, Luffy seemed to have gotten the idea of the situation. He simply looked ahead, arms and legs crossed. Nami ran her frustrated hands through her hair and turned back towards Sanji. “It's really not what you think! Ah...right, Usopp?”

“Y-yes!” Usopp said with the instinct of a habitual liar, even as his face said that he was absolutely not prepared to tag in at all. “You see, that is, Sanji, I didn't realize that you would notice, but...I'm on a diet! That's why I haven't been asking you for extra food! Sorry for worrying you, hahaha...”

“It's the same for me, I'm afraid,” Nami added, chorusing Usopp's forced laugh. “I know you make sure to keep our menu nutritious, but lately I just feel like I've been eating too much!”

Chopper looked up at his two comrades before crossing his arm and gritting his teeth. “Um, me too!” he said, and impressively enough, his voice didn't crack too much.

After a little bit of silence, Nami elbowed Zoro hard, who grunted in return. “What? He already found me out.”

“I can make a lot of good shit with apples, you know. Like apple fritters. But I guess they aren't that great if you guys prefer taking just plain ol' apples behind my back, right?” And just as he thought, when he fixed his gaze upon his targets, all three of them flinched. Including Nami, as much as his heart broke to have that confirmed.

“Ah, well, you see, the diet, it's called the Apple Diet,” Usopp continued, his voice falsely light.

“Cut the bullshit already. I get it, y'know? I understand, this whole thing with... _me_  is gonna be hard to get comfortable with.  _I_  still have to get used to it. But I'm still the cook on this ship, and that means that I take your wants and turn them into reality. I've done that before and I'll keep doing it because the devil fruit changes  _nothing._  But...” Smoke swirled into the air, spreading itself along the ceiling as it sought a way out. “...I can't do that if none of you  _talk_  to me.”

For the first time that morning, Sanji's lips curled into a smile. “It's actually kinda flattering, you guys worrying about me. But frankly, if I had to eat that fruit, then I'm glad that I ate it here. Because out of all the people who  I'd pick to know about my powers, you're the ones I trust the most. I already know that none of you would ever make me do something I don't want to do, not on purpose. And sometimes mistakes'll happen, but that's okay too. I wouldn't hold that against any of you. We're all still getting used to this. Though really, that was surprising; I didn't realize our marimo-chan was so  _sweet._ ”

Zoro snorted. “Shut up.”

“But anyways, if you guys start thinking that you can't ask me for anything, not just food but  _anything,_  just because of this damn devil fruit thing, then you'll leave me out. Start going behind my back to do the things that  _I_  should be doing for you. And then I can't trust you anymore. So...talk to me again.”

Sanji sat still and stubbed out his cigarette, his hand shaking with all the effort it took to not let his face collapse into a blushing mess. Usopp and Chopper were having a harder time keeping composed, and it looked like Nami was on the brink herself, until finally all of them barreled towards Sanji in various states of distress.

“I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, Sanji! You won't actually leave, will you?!”

“Th-that was s-s-so  _b-beautiful,_ you're a great man, a-a-and,  _I'm so sorry!_ ”

“Jeez, I actually thought you were s-serious about that whole leaving thing! Don't worry me like that!”

“Alright alright, stupid reindeer, damn long nose,  _get off!_  Your blubbering is gonna ruin my suit, shitheads! Nami-san~ you can keep crying in my arms all you want~!”

“Sheesh, you really  _are_  just the same idiot.”

“Just because I called you sweet earlier doesn't mean I won't shave your head and feed your hair to the fishes.”

And, sensing that the atmosphere from before had lifted, Luffy jumped back to his feet and rushed Sanji as well. Robin shared a secret smile with the cook, her expression giving him the thumbs-up that her hand was too elegant to exhibit. Zoro plopped into a chair, now that he was no longer being lectured, and set his feet on the table since Sanji was a little preoccupied with the hugs he was receiving. The cook hobbled closer to the dinner table enclosed in his nest of friends. And he laughed, and everybody else laughed along with him until finally everybody let him go.

Sanji beamed at them all with the relief he felt of things finally going back to (relative) normality and said, “So, uh, when I said I didn't start preparing breakfast, I actually  _really_  didn't...”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Now that I've separated the one-shots this note is moot but i'm putting it here for posterity anyways)
> 
> This was a scene I wanted to write for the previous one-shot, but I couldn't quite fit it in. But the good thing about one-shot collections is that I can just make it stand alone. Bweheheh.

_...nji...un..._

_...at...o I do...meone plea..._

_...o sorry...'m so..._

“ _I wish that you won't die!”_

Everything flashed into focus with painful clarity and Sanji gasped with the shock, only to gurgle on his own blood. He breathed even as every rasp felt like it was tearing a hole right through him. The pain made him whimper and cry out, he wanted to curl up, wanted to kick at the hurt, but his arms twitched and grabbed at nothing while his legs only jittered. Moving only made the pain worse and yet he couldn't help it. His eyes sought out the comfort of anything familiar and managed to find, kneeling over him, almost blind with tears, face encrusted with dirt and blood and sweat and snot, was Nami.

He could see burns on her exposed skin, could see something foreign sticking out of her arm like a gravestone, and he opened his mouth to ask who did this to her but only dribbled more blood. His body instinctively tried to sit up only to be stopped by a disgusting squelch near his torso and he really should have saved the gravestone simile for himself because there was a bar of metal sticking right through something that felt important.

Oh yeah. There was an explosion.

He flitted his desperate eyes back to Nami's face, his only method of communication the speed of his breaths, and she placed her hands on him as though she wasn't sure if he could be held and said, “I know, I know, hang in there, you're, you're gonna be okay.”

His eyes flitted to something behind her and Nami had a second to look back before a gruesomely large hand enclosed her face and dragged her up. He could hear her muffled screams and curses and see her legs kicking at the figure looming above, but even though she was better off than him, she was still much too wounded to fight any longer.

“Interesting,” came the rumble of a voice deep from the gut of the devil. “You had that sort of power? Though...you would have used that against me, I'm sure. Unless...”

Underneath the shadow of that red mane, Sanji couldn't quite see the man's eyes but he felt them fall upon him regardless. He tried to glare back. There was nothing much else for him to do.

The man leered and tossed Nami aside, where Sanji couldn't see because he couldn't even raise his head. His breath hitched and grew more labored as he tried to tell him, how _dare_ you, you've made a terrible mistake, and I will never be satisfied until your limbs are strewn across the world so that your body will never be united under one grave.

The man did not understand. Nor was he impressed by the glares from an impaled body. Sanji saw the glint of teeth before he heard, “I wish for your wounds to heal.”

The feeling of bones regrowing, muscles mending, flesh closing, none of it felt comfortable. But all of that was nothing compared to the feeling of the hole in his body closing in around the piece of metal that was still there. He screamed, kicked his legs, grabbed at the spike with hands that were instantaneously shedding his dead, burned skin and replacing it just as quickly, stop, please _stop,_ his lung was trying to close a hole that was already filled and it pushed and strained against the obstacle like a dumb boar he couldn't breathe it felt like every breath just diffused into the rest of his body and just _stop_

The man pulled him up by his collar and he slid off the metal bar with a wet sound that reminded him of making sausages. The hole closed up and he was left dangling, breathing, vomiting blood and tears as he clutched at the spot where he had been impaled.

“Y-you've just...screwed yourself over...shithead,” Sanji said once there was enough room in his mouth for words. But he couldn't move his hands away from his chest. He was trembling so hard he was sure he would fall apart. He had been practically falling apart just a few seconds ago.

“I don't think so. I think you are going to be a huge help to me,” said the man, and he hated his barbaric voice, his shit-eating shit grin, his unruly hair. “I wish for you to bring me the head of your captain. It would save me the trouble of finding him.” The man threw his head back and laughed, and _god_ he hated his laugh too, before throwing Sanji back to the ground. He miraculously landed on his feet with barely a stumble and jumped forward with a scream and a kick, getting some satisfaction from the look of surprise on that bastard's face before he missed, crumbled to the ground, clutching his head because it was about to explode.

He didn't care to see whatever relief spread across that man's expression. No, he couldn't care. There was a buzzing in his head that just wouldn't stop, thrumming through his brain in the form of words, _bring the captain's head, bring the captain's head,_ and he cried wordlessly because he was beyond the point of being able to curse.

Eventually, his legs stood underneath him. Eventually, they turned towards the ruined city. Propelled him forward.

“That's more like it,” said the man before turning back towards his own crew to give new orders. Sanji didn't care. He only managed to at least scoop Nami over his shoulder before setting off in the hopes that he could run into Chopper at some point. Or someone else. Anybody else except – _bring the captain's head._

At times like these, he prided himself on being calm, thinking through the situation, but his thoughts were so damn _jumbled_ and they constantly skidded to a halt and disappeared in the alleyways of his brain.

If only he could – _bring the captain's head._

There had to be a way out of this, even if he had to kill – _bring the captain's head._

If he could just find everybody, if they could escape. He could live with this feeling forever. It was nothing. As long as – _bring the captain's head._

Nami was bleeding on him. He was sure that she wasn't supposed to be moved, but he didn't know what else to do and if only Chopper were here, someone who could stop – _bring the captain's head._

“Woah, it's Sanji! Thank _goodness,_ we heard an explosion and we didn't know where you – _holy shit what happened to Nami._ ”

He set Nami back on the ground and leaned her against Usopp, who took her in his arms gently despite screaming his head off. Sanji took in his surroundings. Robin. Zoro.

“Dammit, where's Chopper at a time like this?! Aaagh...I _knew_ we shouldn't have gone on this island...”

“Where's Luffy?” he breathed out.

“Probably where the most noise is. It looks like they've stopped bombarding this place, so...” A burst of sound and a crumbling building punctuated Zoro's statement. “...Ah. There.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled before heading off towards the sound.

“O-oi, what's the plan here? Where're you going? Y-you don't want to, uh, help find Chopper or anything?”

He wanted to. Of course he did. But – _bring the captain's head._

If he could just – _bring the captain's head._

Something grabbed onto his legs and he hit the ground with his chin. Before he could shake off his stunned daze, more arms grew out of the street underneath him and pinned him down.

“I think...it would be best if you told us what you are about to do.”

The buzzing in his head increased until he was sure he was vibrating from the force of it, couldn't hear anything above the torrent of _bring the captain's head bring the captain's head_ and couldn't it just stop _please._

“I think we should knock him out for now. Until we know what's going on.”

“Hang on, Zoro! Think about this a little, I'm pretty sure you'll just crush his head!”

“Shut up, I'm using the hilt.”

“ _The hilt isn't the problem here it's your stupid strength!”_

The arms just wouldn't let him go no matter how much he thrashed; they multiplied, tightened their grasp until he couldn't move. With a growl of helpless frustration, he disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared further towards the sounds of rubbery fists crashing every which way.

“Shit! Usopp, go find Chopper already! I'm going after that damn cook!”

“Wait, you're already going the wrong way!”

“Swordsman-san, please follow my lead.”

His feet pounded on the ruined cobblestone. The sounds of fighting had ceased some time ago, but there was still a conspicuous trail of bodies for him to follow. He hadn't heard any traces of followers either. There was nothing standing in his way.

The street opened up into what was once a town center. Now, it was a pile of unconscious bodies. Standing by the fountain, which was gamely spurting water despite a significant chunk of it being several yards away, was Luffy.

One of the fallen men had a sword. He picked it up.

“Hm? Sanji! Everybody okay?”

He winced at the sound of his name, staggered, collapsed under the pressure of watching his captain's instinctual smile and slammed his forehead into the ground until his ears rang.

“Hey, Sanji – “

“ _Stay right there._ ” His hand kept opening and closing around the hilt of his borrowed sword. He could feel blood running down into his eyes. It didn't make much of a difference. He had already been pretty damn bloody.

Through dry heaves and wet tears, he gasped out, “L-Luffy...I'm sorry, some, someone f-found – “ _bring the captain's head_ “ – I c-can't...he ordered me to – “ _bring the captain's head_ “ – you g-gotta...keep away, I, I can't...”

“Who.”

Luffy was close, too close. Sanji slammed his head down again and kept it down so that he couldn't see his captain's feet.

“I...I've th-thought of a, a – if I – p-please...kick me off the crew.”

“No way.”

In his shock, Sanji looked up and this lapse in concentration had his hand shoot out and squeeze Luffy's ankle. To his right, he saw the sword raise, and he managed to untangle his shitty fingers enough for it to drop back down. And through all this, Luffy just stared down at him, arms crossed, making no move to escape or take the sword or knock him out or _something_ and this freaking idiot, couldn't he just _think_ for once? At least in a situation like this?

“Dammit... _don't let me d-do this...!_ I-if you're not my captain – “

“That's dumb. I'll only kick off people I hate. And I don't hate you.”

“At least – if you can c-cancel out th-the, the – “

Briefly, Luffy's face darkened with disgust. “I don't wanna.”

“Sh-shithead...you don't understand, I'd rather _die –_ “

“Nah. I understand fine.”

“ _Then why –_ “

“You don't even give _me_ meat when I ask, not always, and that's _really_ annoying and mean. But you're saying some guy tells you to kill me or whatever and you can't _not_ do it?” Luffy snorted a sigh through his nose and looked down at him like he was the worst idiot in the world. “Gimme a break! That's not Sanji-like. You're being stupid.”

“B-but – “

“Sanji's always done what he wants. So do you wanna kill me? Or do you wanna tell me whose ass to kick?”

His hand, shaking with the effort, dug deeper into Luffy's leg. Luffy didn't flinch. He stared up with misted eyes, the world around him going blurry until he couldn't recognize his captain at all.

He took in a shaky breath.

* * *

Luffy's head rested in his hands as he slowly stepped his way through the empty streets. It was – well, heavy wasn't the right word, but his arms were aching from the effort. Every step felt weighted, like he had to dig his feet into the ground just to keep moving. He shuffled back another step.

“I'm not really much of a sharpshooter, that's more Usopp's thing,” Sanji grumbled, peering down ahead of him.

“It's fine, it's fine!” said Luffy.

“Don't laugh, I'm already having a hard time holding onto you!”

“But he's right in front of us, and also, he's _sooo biiiiiiiiiig_ _!_ I'll definitely hit him. As long as he doesn't move. By the way, you better do it soon, my body can't stay up there forever.”

“I know, I know, I just want to be _real_ sure that he gets what he wants.” Luffy laughed long and hard at the joke until Sanji kneed him in the back of the head to shut him up.

Beyond Luffy's head, beyond his elongated neck and the rest of his body, Sanji could barely see the red-maned bastard. His movements were nothing more than vague gestures, sometimes pointing this way, sometimes that. He seemed preoccupied with the men who surrounded him. That was just fine.

Sanji gritted his teeth into a grin and Luffy beamed up at him encouragingly. Things were about to get very unfortunate for the man up ahead. If only he knew what the two of them did:

That Sanji was a huge asshole.

He let go.

 


End file.
